Pond Hopper

I have to go to a birthday party tonight.  It's a themed party.  The English love a good theme.  They dress up in costumes a lot (they call it 'fancy dress')  For eight years, I have been able to avoid the whole fancy dress thing, but tonight I can't avoid it!  Tonight's theme is the 80's!  Of all things  I have to dress like I did as a teenager! Crap, I just aged myself!  Anyway, I have a tiny denim skirt, some footless stockings, stilettos and a black lace accented shirt to wear.  My hair will be bigger than it's been in years and so will my earrings.  I'm not at all looking forward to it.  What's really scary is that a few of the party guests were born in the 80s and seem to be mixing up 80's clothes with 70's clothes because they are too young to know better!  This makes me feel old.  What will make me feel older is seeing my self dressed like I would of a million years ago. I'll feel ridiculou...

Yesterday on the way home from picking Ethan up from school, I found a little green die in his book bag.  I took it out, showed it to him, and asked him where he got it.  He said, ‘I got it at school.  I liked it and wanted to take it home.’ I said, ‘But it’s not yours to take, Sweetheart.’  He looked worried.  I explained that its wrong to take things that aren’t yours.  Telling him, ‘Its called stealing and stealing is wrong.  You’re not in trouble this time, but if it happens again, you’ll be in big trouble’.  He said he was sorry, I told him it was okay, but he’d have to give it back in the morning and explain to Daddy what happened when he got home (just to reinforce that it wasn’t a good thing to do).  He asked if he could play with it when he got home, and as much as I wanted to let him, I said no. That night, I had him tell his Dad what happened.  He explained that he liked it and wanted to keep it so he put it in his bag t...

I've been in a real funk for nearly a week.  I've had ups and downs with it, but Ethan starting school has definitely thrown me for a loop.  I'm on day two of my first full week without him.  He goes to school from 9-3 every day from now on and yesterday, I sat around and did absolutely nothing (except feel a bit sorry for myself and wonder how I'd find my purpose if I'm not a full time mom anymore). I haven't had a good workout since Thursday, but forced myself to do it this morning and can't stress enough how much better I feel.  I have to say, if you're feeling low, just move.  Do something - anything that gets you moving.  If you workout - do it and I promise you'll feel better once you do.  If you don't like to workout - go for a walk.  If it's raining, drive to the mall or a shopping center and window shop, but move.  Get up and do something.  Take the dog for a walk, clean the house, dance in your living room - dan...

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I got the idea for this blog while reading a post on a blog called Life With Levi where a heated discussion on Facebook caused a tongue in cheek debate with another Mom about who the worst Mom was.  Every Mom is their own worst critic (well sometimes it's your mom or your mother in-law).  We all want to be the perfect Mom.  We want to do everything right so our children grow up happy, well adjusted and good, but nobody is perfect.  Here is my Crappy Mom List... 10) Sometimes when my son wakes up in the middle of the night and calls me into his room, I take my pillow and snuggle up with him for the rest of the night so I don't have to stay up and try to get him to go back to sleep on his own. The reason for this is because I just want to go back to sleep, don't want to be woken up multiple times and I like to snuggle up with him occasionally. 9) I don't give him any independence - I am a worrier and I'm not capable of letting him learn by getting hurt.  I...

Last week, Emma (one of the girls from book club) invited me to her house for coffee.  We've talked a bit at book club and have always gotten along, but have never spent any time together outside of book club.  I thought I'd be there for a couple of hours in the morning, but ended up staying until nearly 3:00.  We talked all day about anything and everything.  By the time I left, we both knew details about each other's lives that most people can go years in a friendship and never know find out. I spoke of things I don't normally ever talk about.  I found myself saying things out loud I couldn't believe I was saying. Our conversation just flowed.  We both discussed difficult emotional things.  We both shared things that in a normal conversation would never come up.  There are proabably only two or three people in the world (one of them being my husband) that know such intimate details of my life. This sort of thing happened to me only one other t...

I haven't written even a paragraph of my book in over a week.  The wind has been taken from my sails and I just can't get my momentium back.  I'm feeling a disconnect from part of my inspiration for the book as of late and I'm finding it hard to get back to a good place with it.  I've tried to find some resolve, but to no avail.  The problem is, I know if I don't get my inspiration back, the writing will suffer, the story will be flat and lack emotion so until I can get back to that place, I know I won't write. I am also going through 'readers block'. Every book I pick up seems boring, I’ve made it to page ten or twenty of about a dozen books.  I pick up a book and can't concentrate.  I read a page and find myself going back over it because I stopped paying attention half way down. This happens every once in a while when either I've read too many books in a row or after I've read a book I loved.  It's hard to move on to the next b...

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It's Friday!  I have gotten through my first week with Ethan in school full time.  On his first full day (the day I had been dreading), I walked him to his class, took him by the hand to go with him to hung up his jacket and put his bags in his cubby hole.  I took a step toward the door and he pulled me back.  I looked down at him and realized he wanted to go in without me.  I was overcome with both pride and disappointment.  He wanted to do it without me.  I gave him a kiss goodbye and he walked in without looking back. My husband and I watched from the window as he put his things away and joined the other children who were sitting on the floor with storybooks.  He found his favorite friend from pre-school (a little girl named Faith who he has told me he is going to marry), pat her on the shoulder and she made a space for him next to her.  He happily sat down and I thought to myself, 'Is this it?  Am I going to spend more time on the o...

I've acyually been too busy to blog the last couple of days.  I've been doing everything I can to not let myself spend a minute thinking about Ethan going to school.  Tomorrow is my first day alone so I'll definately blog in the morning.  I wish I at least had a good recipe to share, but tonight's dinner was not a success.  I've been enjoying coming up with my own recipes, but they can't all be good!

I don't have time to blog right now so I thought I'd show how our Mommy & Ethan's Special Day went in photos (our last day together before he started big boy school today). Sorry about the qulaity.  They were taken with mt phone. I will say that after dropping him off at school this morning I didn't even make it to the car before I started sobbing!  I was wondering when I'd finally cry! 

Tomorrow is my last full day with Ethan before he starts going to school full time.  Wednesday will be his first day going from 8:50AM-3:00PM.  It's such a long day for such a small child.  He's loving school so far, but I'm not sure how he's going to feel about going all day 5 days a week. Today was my 2nd morning on my own without him and I couldn't believe how happy I was to see him walk out of that classroom!  I really missed him and that was with him being gone just a few hours.  I'm having trouble sleeping and it seems like every little thing bothers me a lot more than it should.  I am slowly unravelling.  I'm fighting back the tears as I write this.  I just don't want him to go! I am doing my best to not let him know how I'm feeling, but I think he's way to smart for that because every day I pick him up, he asks. 'So how did you do without me today, Mommy? You weren't very sad were you?'  I always tell him, No, Baby, I was fi...

I got the creepiest email this morning from some perv that read my blog, liked my pictures and wanted to offer me a bit of fun!  I know it's the chance you take when you have a blog, but I'm still skeeved out!  I often think I should make this blog private so that readers have to have a user name and password, but I don't know how I feel about doing that.  It's something I'm seriously considering.  Thoughts?  Speak now or forever hold your peace...

Synopsis:   Eva never really wanted to be a mother; certainly not the mother of the unlovable boy who murdered seven of his fellow high school students, a cafeteria worker and a teacher who tried to befriend him. Now, two years later, it is time for her to come to terms with marriage, career, family, parenthood and Kevin's horrific rampage in a series of startlingly direct correspondences with her absent husband, Franklyn. Uneasy with the sacrifices and social demotion of motherhood from the start, Eva fears that her alarming dislike for her own son may be responsible for driving him off the rails. My Thoughts: It's been a really long time since I hated a book, but I hated this book.  Okay, it was thought provoking and well written and gave us a hell of a lot to talk about at book club, but I hated it all the same.  The book was bleak.  It was dark and disturbing and lacked even the slightest bit of emotion.  The killings were unnecessarily b...

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This morning I went on Facebook and saw messages that were all being sent to a Facebook friend of mine.  They said things like, 'I'll miss you' and 'I don't know what I'll do without you' and then I saw the words 'Rest in peace'.  What a way to find out someone you know died! I went to her wall and saw a huge number of memorial messages and then below them, I saw her own last posts and status updates.  It was eerie looking at her last days and hours.  She had no idea.  She died suddenly of a suspected heart attack.  She was 33 years old. I haven't seen her in a couple of years I didn't know her well, but I still cried as I looked at her wall.  This is what she wrote on her bio page - "Don't be a Liar, it wears down your soul. Love slowly, never settle, always be happy and surround yourself with good people. You can't change what has already happened but you can change what will happen. Most of all, always just smile." S...

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I know I should have been doing it all along, but I've added a link to all of my recipes for a printer friendly version.  I will have one on every recipe I add from now on.

 Here is the downside to living on the water – Seagulls.  Seagulls wake me up at  all hours of the night.  They squawk and shriek all night long.  I used to think that birds slept at night, but now I know that seagulls do not.  We sleep with the windows open.  I like to feel the night air on me, so even in the wintertime, they are always at least cracked.  This means that all night long I hear the sounds of the harbor.  I hear the cables on the sailboats swaying in the wind and making an almost constant chime as they knock against the masts. I hear the water lap against the harbor side and the boats.  I hear the wind in its many forms (a light breeze, a whipping bluster, howls and whistles).  These are the soothing sounds of the harbor, but there are other sounds that can wake you up with a jolt: dogs barking as people walk their dogs on the path below your house all hours of the night. Drunk and rowdy people walking home from the...

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Today was my first morning on my own while Ethan is at school.  It's not really my first day.  He's been in nursery school 2-3 mornings a week since the age of two, so today isn't too hard for me.  Next week will be and I think the impending heartache of what's to come has me a bit out of sorts. After dropping him off, the first thing I wanted to do was go buy a pack of cigarettes.  I really wanted to, but I didn't.  I came home, cleaned the breakfast mess up and worked out for 45 minutes instead of chain smoking like I wanted to.  Now I only have 45 minutes to until I have to leave pick him up.  By the time I finish this and shower, morning one will be over. After today, he doesn’t go back to school until Monday for another half day.  he will have Tuesday off and starts full time on Wednesday.  I'm hoping my husband will be able to swing a day off that day.  It would be nice to soften the blow with an entire morning and afternoon wi...

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Ethan had his first day of Kindergarten today.  It was only a few hours, but he had a great time and can't wait to start with full days.  He says he's just worried about me.  When I picked him up he said, 'How did you do without me, Mommy?' I told him, 'Daddy took me out, so I didn't have to be by myself.' He asked, 'So you held up OK then?'  He's so cute and way too smart!  That kid doesn't miss a thing!  I did do well.  I didn't even cry, but you can bet I'll be crying next week when he has his first full day!

My son's first day of Kindergarten (UK -reception year) is tomorrow.  I am doing everything I can to keep myself together. I've had a lot on my mind lately anyway and this has the definite potential to tip me over the emotional edge.  He only has a half day for two days this week.  On the 19th, he starts full time from 9-3:00.  Starting on the 19th, I will be alone all day for 5 days a week for the first time since my son was born.  Let me tell you, I do not have a big enough social life for this! My husband seems to think I will finally let myself cry my eyes out when on the first day, I am done with my workout, cleaned the house from top to bottom and still have hours to kill before it's time to pick up my son. They had a meet & greet, Q&A session today with his teachers (he has 2 teachers & one teacher’s aide).  They were really great. The last time Ethan was there, he was in a classroom that had dinosaurs in it and he’s been really excited ...

I looked up the word ‘unresolved’ today.  This is what I found… Unresolved: Not having been solved or concluded – Unsettled, Up in the air, Unfinished. What do you do if something is left unresolved and there is no way to resolve it?  When something is left unresolved, does it stay with you like something that’s impossible to cross off a list of things to do?  You can ignore it, throw the list away, or even burry it, but will knowing that one item that’s still undone always be there in your subconscious like a hole you just can’t fill? If something is unresolved, but impossible to resolve, what are you left with?  Regret?  Is that it?  If something is impossible to resolve, is it just regret? Regret:  Feeling sadness about something that has transpired, Sadness about something you have done – Remorse, Sorrow, To grieve over. Greif: The cause of intense deep, and profound sorrow, especially a specific event or situation – sorrow, heartache, an...

Since becoming a Mom, my love for photography has had to take a back seat (unless you count the hundreds of photos I've taken of my son!).  I have a child that never sits still for very long so finding the time to set up a shot is almost impossible when he's around!  He's getting older though and I've been able to capture a few over the last several months that I just thought I'd share - just keep in mind that there isn't a shot here (besides the lightening that I stood for ages waiting to shoot just right), that wouldn't have been improved if I had the time to take it rather than having to do it quick before chasing a small child...

When I have a lot on my mind I clean.  It's a control thing.  There's not a lot you can control in life, but you sure can control how clean your house is.  I cleaned a lot today.  I also was listening to an audio book while I cleaned to try to avoid thinking too much about what's been on my mind.  I can't say how many times I realized I had no idea how long I wasn't listening because my mind wondered and I'd have to go back and try to find my place.  I sat down with the book to read it in book form and did the same thing.  I wasn't at all thinking about what I was reading.  I've given up for the day.  I just have a lot on my mind.  I have for the last couple of days. This writing thing is hard.  It opens old wounds.  I apparently have unresolved issues that I didn't realize were unresolved.  Maybe some things never are.  I have friend that have told me writing it will be therapeutic.  It will help me make peace...

Here is the biggest perk to be living where we live.  I get views like this every day - right outside my window.  This is the view from my kitchen, living room & bedroom.  We don't have family around to babysit so my husband and I don't get to go out.  It a definate downside to being here on our own like we are, but with views like this, after our son goes to bed, we can just go sit on our deck  with a bottle of wine and we get an instant date.

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After eight long years of living in the UK, I am FINALLY getting my Driver's License and looking to buy a car (insert the choir singing Hallelujah here)! I can't tell you how much I wish I had looked into getting my driver's license in this country when I first got here.   I just found out that if I would have applied for it within the first 12 months, I could have just used my NJ driver's license to get my UK License without question or hassle, but because I didn’t, I am treated like a new driver which means I have to start with a learner’s permit and I have to take a written and driving test.   The learner’s permit costs £50.00.   You apply for it and after 3 or 4 weeks, they send you a learner’s permit and ‘L plate’ which is a big red L that you have to stick on your car to practice driving (with a licensed driver) until you pass your test!   How humiliating! I didn’t know it takes so long to get your permit, so when Ethan starts school,   I won’t h...

Creative Writing Exercise 2.1 The writing topic today was:   Have you ever had a reoccurring dream?   Describe it… In my late teens, I started having a reoccurring dream that lasted years.   I dreamt I was hanging off the side of a cliff with my boyfriend (at the time) laying on the ground above me, holding me by the hand and attempting to pull me up.   I would scream and beg for him to help me, he’d be struggling, trying desperately to pull me up, and then suddenly, something in his face would change.   He would become calm, look me directly in the face with the saddest eyes and say, ‘I’m sorry; I love you’ as he let go, dropping me to my certain death.  I would always wake up as I fell with him watching me from above. I should point out that this boyfriend never laid a hand on me.   The meaning of the dream had nothing to do with violence incase that’s what you think when you read it.   What was the dream really about?   I’m no exp...

I've been doing Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred workout program for the last few weeks.  I started it a couple of weeks before I went into the hospital, but had a good two weeks off before starting over.  Jillian Michaels is apparently from the biggest looser, but I've never seen the show so can't say it was what inspired me to buy the DVD.  I was looking for shorter workout DVDs and liked her 3, 2, 1 program (3 minutes strength, 2 minutes cardio and 1 minute abs - broken into circuits).  I have to say, it's one hell of a workout. I suffer from both Fibromyalgia and Ankylosing Spondylitis; one affects the musicals and the other the joints and both make it challenging to start any workout routine.  I have to be really careful not to do anything that is high impact or I could end up unable to walk later in the day.  I have to listen close to what my body tells me and alter things as I go.  When I first started this system, my knees were killing me....

I bought an English Grammar book that I've been reading all day.  I can't tell you how many times I write something and think to myself, 'That's not right or wonder if I used the right punctuation or add a dash when I'm unsure on the correct punctuation.  I just wanted to learn to do things the right way.  I've been keeping this blog for years now and after reading this book, I can't imagine how many errors my entries are riddled with! I leaned today that I've been spelling' Breathe' as Breath for all of my life!  That's one of those things that spell check would never catch because it's actually spelled correctly; I've just been using the wrong word all this time without knowing that I was spelling it wrong! That drives me crazy!  There were a lot of those sorts of errors that I've found and I ended up putting the book down because it was making me feel stupid! I actually searched this whole blog for the instances of spelling...