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What I wanted to tell you...

Here is what I want to tell you - I turned out OK. I am happily married - really happy.  Most people are not.  I know maybe two couples that are happily married, but most I know don't even like the person they wake up next to every day.  It's sad but true.  We are happy and we are in love.  It's been nearly ten years and I see no change in our behavior or our relationship than when we first started out.  He takes good care of me so you don't have to worry about that.
I am a mother. I am finally a mother and I am a good one at that.  This morning I heard him singing in his bed before he got up.  What a wonderful sound!  I went to his door and peeked in.  His head came up to look, I opened the door wider so he could see it was me and his face lit up as he smiled (that kid smiles with his whole face), he jumped up and ran to me with arms wide open.  I got to him just as he reached the edge of the bed and we started the day with the biggest hug ever.  If I ever have doubts about the kind of mother I am, he always finds a way to let me know what a good job I am doing.  He is a great kid.  He's funny and dare I say it, he's sensitive and sweet.  I didn't want him to be like me in that way.  I want to protect him from that and give him a thick skin so he doesn’t get his heart broken so easily, but it's there already.  He is sensitive, emotional, and so loving.  I really didn't want him to take on those traits, but I love who he is and can't wait to see who he'll become (although I don't want it to happen too quickly).
You are right about what you said - how the bad times of our past casting such a long shadow.  They do cast a long shadow, but please don't look at it like that.  I carried you with me and what we had, gave me the insight I needed to not settle for anything less.  If not for what we had, I would not be here in a happy marriage with this great kid.  If not for what we had, I would have settled for an ordinary life with a man I wasn't in love with and I would never have been happy.
You gave me so much so don't look back at the shadows that are cast.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  The good out weighs the bad.  We were lucky to have had our time. I'll always carry it with me.  It not for you, I wouldn't be the person I am today.
I hid this entry because I wrote it for you not for the world to see, but I also wanted to give you an option to not read it if you didn't want to.  With email, it’s hard to not scroll down and once you do, it’s just too late. 


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