Pond Hopper

What do I write about today?  Do I tell about the guy next to me at the grocery store this morning throwing up not once, but 3 times?  Not something I need to share any further... Do I write about the card I got in the mail from my best friend telling me how much she misses me and how much it means to know she misses me as much as I do her? I can write for hours and never say enough about how hard it is to not be sharing our lives as much as we did before.  I'm missing her kids grow up.  I'm missing the small stuff, the big stuff and everything in between.  I miss her and sitting around talking about nothing and everything.  I just can't say enough about that... Do I talk about how guilty I feel every time I light a cigarette because I've promised my husband I'd quit (again)?  The other day he came to me, hugged me and said it's time to stop.  He said he gave me my time (recovery time from the aftermath of the miscarriage) he said he gave me my ti...

I heard a song today that gave me a happy memory of an ex - an ex that's still one of my all time favorite people I've ever known. I wanted to write to him and say hello & share my memory and then I thought he'd probably rather I didn't. It's unfortunate that it has to be this way. I mean just because we've moved on why can't we still be a part of each other's lives? I guess it just doesn't work that way and I think it's a shame. There are so few people we connect with in this life enough to say the words 'I love you' (Well at least I haven't had it happen many times) - so few people who we get to know on such an intimate level (and I don't mean sexually). We can spend years of our lives with that person being on the forefront of our minds and hearts, we get to know each other in ways that few ever do again and then one day they just fade into the background and we pretend they were never there at all. It's sad that...

Sometimes I hate this time of day.  The early morning hours of quiet isolation.  This morning I stood at my back door having my morning cigarette (I know, I know I swear I'm quitting again) and my first cup of coffee.  I stood there looking out over the houses trying to hear the waves of the ocean in the background, but I heard nothing.  It's the time of day that is just quiet.  The baby next door hasn't starting crying yet, the workman at the construction site down the street haven't begun working and my husband is still fast asleep upstairs.  The quiet should be peaceful, but for me it's not.  It just leaves me alone with my thoughts and makes me feel restless and lonely. I've recently found out that someone from my past that's important to me reads this blog.  They read it without letting me know they are there.  Any other time this may be nice to find out, but right now it's not because right now it means they know what the past few month...

Last weekend, Wayne and I ran into an old friend of ours.  An old friend we don't speak to any more.  I don't speak to him because he hurt me and Wayne doesn't speak to because he doesn't like anyone who makes me cry.  He was the best of friends with Wayne long before me.  He was actually friends with Wayne and his ex (that's how they met).  When we ran into him - he was actually with Wayne's ex (although we didn't see her or even know she was there until much later - damnit, I'm dying to get a look at her!) Anyway, running into him didn't exactly go well.  After having no contact for nearly a year, he's been trying to get in touch with Wayne and Wayne has been avoiding his calls for weeks now.  Apparently, he can't take a hint because he came over to talk to us regardless of Wayne's behavior.  He tried desperately to make conversation with us over the loud music at the bar we were at, offered to buy us a drink and Wayne never even looked...

I've had a few responses to my NHS entry and feel I should make one important point I didn't mention.  Many of my readers are expats that are here because they are married to British citizens.  If you have a spouse visa, you may come across the same problem I had when I first got my visa and I think it's important to make sure others are well informed... Once I got my spouse visa,  and went to my local GP for the first time to be treated for a nasty flu thinking I was eligible for care through the NHS.  Upon arrival, I was told that because it said on my visa 'No recourse to public funds' I was not eligible for NHS care and was sent away without even having my temperature taken.  I went the next year without care for  an arthritic illness that I need treatment for from time to time and didn't like being refused treatment.  We were really frustrated with the situation.  Wayne thought it must be a mistake so I did some research.  I found on an ...

There's one thing that seems to be internationally known - crazy cat lady syndrome.  You know - the lady in the neighborhood who lives alone, never sees anyone, has loads of cats and the they are the only ones you actually have ever seen her speak to... I fear I'm dangerously close to being that lady.  Okay, so I only have 2 cats and I have a husband, but if not for the husband - add a few more cats... I noticed the other day that a lot of people I talk to seem to ask 'So, how are the cats?'  when making conversation as if they are asking about my children.  This is probably because once they've covered the weather and have asked 'How's business', 'How's Wayne?' 'Have you been to the gym?' there's nothing left to ask about so they resort to - 'So how are the cats?' I do wonder sometimes what kind of answer they are looking for.  Am I supposed to give them some witty anecdote about how Alfie jumped Luka as he came out of th...

I'm so f@cken bored.  What I wouldn't do for just one social contact in this country.  I spend 90% of my time by myself and to be quite honest - I'm sick of me.  I'm bored with me and I'm bored with trying desperately each day to find a way to just pass the time.  I hate to sound so 'woe is me' because I'm really not sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but I am sitting around feeling restless, alone and really stir crazy. My business is small and these days it only takes me a couple of hours to do what needs to be done for the day.  I place my orders, touch base with customers who need me, send a few emails and in just a couple of hours - I'm done for the day and searching for things to do.  Wayne just let me know he won't be home until 8:00 tonight.  That's over 8 more hours I have to kill before then. I think I say more to my cats each day than I do to actual humans - if they start talking back - I'll be really worried about my men...

Friday night, I had my first ER visit since moving here.  Earlier that day, I started having pain in my lower front side.  By the time Wayne came home, I was doubled over in pain and fighting going to the hospital.  I was burning up and peeing every 20 (which also hurt like hell).  I had heard horror stories about the care you get in hospitals here and had no desire to go. When I had the miscarriage, the NHS (National Health Service) helpline sent me to an outpatient part of the hospital.  There, they didn't as much as take my temperature.  All they did was make me wait 3 hours in terrible pain (in a waiting room with the other healthy pregnant woman who were there for their ultrasounds), took a scan to confirm my miscarriage and sent me on my way with a pamphlet called 'Your miscarriage experienced'.  Oh, and I can't leave out the ultrasound technician who was inappropriately upbeat, cracking jokes and confirmed my miscarriage by saying 'Yeah, there's...

About a month ago, I had new neighbors move in next door.  I had high hopes for  quiet neighbors.  The one that moved out, was far from unobtrusive.  I made the mistake of introducing myself when she moved in.  Two hours later, I was still standing in my driveway while she cried, telling me about her ex and their split.  I felt really sorry for her and listened patiently (still holding my gym bag and really late for starting dinner).  That day was the first of many.  She showed up weekly after that (unannounced) and would talk and talk.  The woman never let me get a word in edgewise - I still wonder if she even knew I was American! :-)  I always let her in.  I'm not the type to be mean.  I just can't say no to people who apparently need someone to talk to.  Now that she moved, she only pops in once a month -  Still unannounced (a huge pet-peeve of mine)... So, when my new neighbors moved in, I didn't introduce myself ...

This was the view out my back door the other day.  It's one of the perks of living here.  growing up in Jersey - I can't say I ever saw a real rainbow before in my life.  It was beautiful.  I stood there and watched it until the clouds came in and took it from view. I'd like to say it's a sign of good things to come.  I like to think of it as a good omen that came to lift my spirits.  I've been down the last week or so, but the last couple of days, I've been feeling a lot better and more like myself.  Hopefully, it's a sign of brighter days...

I just wanted to thank everyone who offered their support through the miscarriage.  I'm feeling fine and back to normal - just haven't been in the mood for blogging lately.  I'll try to get back to it real soon.  Again - thank you all for your support and concern - it really is appreciated.